I hate shopping. No, wait! I didn’t mean it. I love shopping. Please, don’t take my membership in the sisterhood away. Let me explain…
Usually when I go shopping I have to take two people with me. I’ll call them Yin and Yang. They are opposites in personalities but they share a common goal, to end the horror they know as shopping as quickly as possible. They work toward this goal from opposite sides of the field but their methods are equally effective.
Yin is about a year and a half old and she prefers to speed shop. Against her wishes she is normally restrained in an umbrella stroller. This may stop her from running willy nilly all over the mall, which is what she prefers, but it doesn’t stop her from squawking indignantly any time the stroller slows down or stops longer than is to her liking. I’m just thankful she doesn’t own a whip!
Yang is around 4 years old and he prefers the slow and methodical approach. He believes that one shouldn’t take more than a baby step when shopping. Also, he prefers to stay a minimum of 20 feet behind his maternal figure. This means that I end up walking sideways down the mall shouting things like, “Hurry up! Come on, I don’t want you to get lost.” If I do make it through my entire shopping list when Yang is along it usually takes 3 times longer than when he stays at home.
In order to make the trip a little more pleasant for myself I often use bribery. Of course I only like to bribe them with things that will make as big of a mess as possible. You know, chocolate, ice cream, ketchup. Just the good stuff!
Bribery will only work for a short while before it wears off. Before I’m ready Yin starts screeching and Yang slows down to his sluggish pace. It’s usually only a few minutes after the bribery breaks down that Yin and Yang achieve their goal. I’ve had it, I’m going home!
I’m sure you’ve seen me. I’m the one dragging the two dirty kids through Pottery Barn yelling, “If you don’t keep up you’re not playing any video games when we get home!”
Next time I’m dropping Yin and Yang at the babysitters and I’m gonna go shopping with Zen.
[Associated radio.blog song: Smokey Robinson - Shop Around]