There is a criminal element that runs through my blood. I have a great-great-great-grandfather that was indicted for murder, before he joined the church. I have another great-grandfather that got run out of almost every town he ever lived in. I’m assuming that he eventually settled down in his old age but I’m not sure because he abandoned my great-grandmother and grandfather before he ever felt the need to do so.
It’s hard to outrun your heritage my friends and it was about a month ago that I decided to quit running from mine. To start on my life of crime I thought that criminal or excessive speeding would be a nice way to begin my journey. It was high time that I commit a class-three misdemeanor.
I was driving down a new freeway, rockin’ out when I notice a white car with flashy lights in my rear view mirror. “Oh crap!” I say to myself. I look down at my speedometer and note that I’m going 80 miles per hour. I begin to slow down and pull over to the shoulder.
When the cop leans in to the passenger side window he says, “Did you know that you were going 80 miles per hour?”
“Uh, I noticed that when I saw your flashing lights,” I reply.
“Did you know that the speed limit is 45 miles per hour?”
“Um, not until you pulled me over,” I confess.
To make a long story short the cop decided to be “nice” to me and note on my ticket that I was going 80 mph in a 65 mph zone and not a 45 mph zone. He told me that if he listed the real speed I would be charged with criminal speeding and I would not be able to go to traffic school. Lucky me, now I get to go to defensive driving class.
As I left to go to traffic school I was sure that I was going to spend two nights at 3 1/2 hours a piece bored out of my mind. I thought that the girl who got in an argument with the teacher and called him a jackass in the first ten minutes of class would be the high light of the class.
Then I thought the HUGE girl in tight sweatpants and the big black thong poking out the top would be the most interesting person of the night. Ok, maybe those were the most interesting parts of the class but I did come away with some life lessons and interesting facts. I thought I would share those gems with you today.
My instructor was a man named Dennis who had been teaching defensive driving courses for 18 years. In those 18 years he said he taught more attorneys in his classes than any other profession. Cops ranked number 2 on that list.
He also informed us that the five states to have the most fatalities from red light running were 1.Arizona 2.Nevada 3.Michigan 4 Texas 5.Alabama. We also learned that the top 5 cities with the most fatalities from red light running were 1.Phoenix 2.Memphis 3.Mesa 4.Tucson 4.St Petersburg. I guess we Arizonans are a little “red light challenged”.
Did you know that 40,000 people die in car accidents every year in the United States?
A few other lessons learned at driving school:
- You aren’t allowed to use another car to help you stop your car.
- How do you know when a vehicle has stopped? The car isn’t moving!
- If you have ABS brakes don’t ever pump them. Keep your foot on the brake until your car has come to a stop. The steering will still work when you are braking with an ABS system so make sure to use it.
A couple of more lessons I learned that are good for life in general:
- Family members freak us out.
- If you don’t want the world to know how stupid you are don’t talk. (too late for me!)
The most important lesson I learned was from the girl who called the instructor a jackass at the beginning of the class and then proceeded to tell pointless stories throughout the entire course. If you want the rest of the class to not become completely annoyed with you and want to kick your butt during class breaks, shut up!