You Think it’s Funny but it’s Snot

October 26, 2005    By: Kristen J @ 7:57 pm   Category: Life

I know, I know, I’m having a really crass week but I thought I would add one more post to the list. Here goes…

I hate snot and boogers. I am not a weak stomached person normally. Barf, pooh, blood, and guts usually don’t bother me, but not snot. Nothing gets my gagging faster than boogers. I’ve always been this way. I can remember watching kids picking their noses in elementary school and being completely grossed out.

It’s been a while since I’ve had any snotty experiences but I’ve had two in the past two days. I guess when it rains it pours. Yesterday when I was walking the kids who live on our street to the bus stop I noticed the youngest member of the group hanging back. When I walked back to find out why she was walking so slowly I noticed that her face was covered in snot. She said she needed a tissue and of course there wasn’t one for miles.

I grabbed the end of her shirt, wiped off her face and told her no one would have to know. Then I noticed that she had big, snotty boogers all over her hands. That’s when the gag factor kicked in for me. You know, the kind of gagging that sounds like a cat trying to barf up a hairball. Anyway, I told her to wipe her hands on the grass and then I doused us both in the hand sanitizer that happened to be dangling from her backpack. Phew! Made it through that one.

Well that was yesterday and lucky me, I got to be involved in another snot fest today. I was volunteering in my daughter’s first grade class and the teacher asked me to take one of the reading groups out to the library where we would read a story together. When we sat down at the table I notice that the kid sitting directly across from me has a snot screen on one of his nostrils. You know the kind that covers the whole nostril and moves in and out with the child’s breath. My eyes narrowed and I tried to keep my eyes off that nostril. It was of no use my eyes were drawn back to that nostril over and over again..

Finally, when I couldn’t take it anymore I said to the kid, “Hey bud, why don’t you run up to the librarian and ask her for a Kleenex?”

He looked at me and said, “I don’t need a Kleenex.”

“Oh yes you do!” I replied. He jumped up and thankfully the snot was diverted.

I have one last snot story for you. This is the grandmother of all my snot stories. It’s so gross I don’t even like to think about it. Deep breath and here goes…

One Sabbath day I was sitting in the overflow of the chapel during sacrament meeting with my husband and 2 young daughters. I’ll confess I was zoning out until I heard a loud sneeze, a snap, and my 2 year old daughter doing this moan, scream thing. I look over at her and much to my horror I see her bending over and hanging from her nose are 2 of the longest snot fangs I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s disgusting!

I hurriedly search through my diaper bag for Kleenex but I come up empty handed. I look around to all of my neighbors, who are staring wide eyed at us, and ask for a tissue. There are no tissues to be found.

I’m running out of time. If I don’t hurry I know that snot is going to be everywhere when she tries to claw if off her face. Suddenly I know what I have to do. I take a few deep breaths and a feeling of peace comes over me. I take my hand and I use my fingers to wipe that snot off her face. I jump up with my handful of snot and race to the nearest bathroom, all the while making the cat barfing up a hairball sound.

When I returned to my seat I look at the lady sitting next to me and say, “I think that was the grossest motherhood moment I’ve ever had.”

She looked at me and said, “And you got through it!”

So there you have it. I hate snot. I think I need to go lie down for a while.

21 Comments »

  1. I love you, Kristen.

    Comment by Susan M — October 26, 2005 @ 9:59 pm

  2. Hey, the feeling is mutual. Did I ever tell you I liked the cds? I like the Leslie Anne Levine song. I like songs with interesting lyrics.

    Comment by Kristen J — October 26, 2005 @ 10:20 pm

  3. Our middle boy (presently 5, he would tell you “almost 6″) has the most viscous secretions I have ever had the misfortune of experiencing. He produces “snot fangs” with considerable and astonishing regularity, and they are typically fabulously long, on the order of several inches. They typically end up adhered to his face and/or shirt, so there is no time to intervene.

    However, one time a couple of years ago, during the winter, he had a pretty bad cold and was coughing and sneezing a lot. He was walking through the kitchen and was about to sneeze so he bent over and went with it and sneezed out two huge snot fangs, about a foot long each, and he stayed bent over so they wouldnt get on him, but in standing there, the snot fangs intertwined and spun round each other, forming a kind of boogery rope, speeding up as it went until the entire thing was intertwined and hanging from his nose, swinging back and forth. I was amazed and all I could think is “I so wish I had that on film, I could win so much money on one of those Funniest Home Videos with that.” Alas, we wiped it up, and it is now the stuff of legends.

    Comment by Kurt — October 27, 2005 @ 3:57 am

  4. Kristen, I laugh every time I see that title.
    But then I think, hmm, maybe it’s really not funny after all.

    Comment by Eric Russell — October 27, 2005 @ 6:04 am

  5. A wise man once said, “You can pick your friends; you can pick your nose; but you can’t roll your friends into little green balls and flick them across the room.”

    Comment by Bryce I — October 27, 2005 @ 7:14 am

  6. Oh Bryce I so thought you were going to say the same old thing but you didn’t and it was funny. I’ll be using that one myself.

    Eric,to others it may be funny. To us snot-o-phobes not so much.

    Kurt, thanks I think I need to go lie down again. I know what you mean about the video camera though.

    Comment by Kristen J — October 27, 2005 @ 7:31 am

  7. My kids are good at many things, but alas, manufacturing snot fangs is not one of them. I’m feeling deprived.

    There’s a really impressive 2 year old in the nursery who can actually blow her nose. I don’t think my kids are capable of that now, and they’re teenagers.

    Comment by Susan M — October 27, 2005 @ 7:59 am

  8. Oh no Susan, snot fangs are inevitably the result of a sneeze. No nose-blowing skills required.

    Comment by Geoff J — October 27, 2005 @ 9:03 am

  9. Hey, you sound like me talking! I’d probably rather have someone puke on me than spit a loogie (sp?) on me. I feel your pain (and nausea).

    Comment by Benny K — October 27, 2005 @ 10:32 am

  10. I think “snot fangs” is possibly the most stomach-churning phrase I’ve ever heard. A quick google search reveals only 22 hits for “snot fangs” so you are truly a language innovator.

    Comment by NFlanders — October 27, 2005 @ 10:44 am

  11. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

    Ned, I must confess that my husband brought the term “snot fangs” into the relationship. The credit goes to him. Thanks for making me laugh!

    Comment by Kristen J — October 27, 2005 @ 11:00 am

  12. What? I brought that term in? Man, I’m more creative than I thought… (I probably stole it from someone actually).

    Anyway, Google has just begun loving the Thang so I suspect it won’t be long until we own the #1 position at Google for the term “snot fangs”. (Aaaaahh Yeeeeah)

    Comment by Geoff J — October 27, 2005 @ 11:06 am

  13. Ah, well if the topic is being spit on, I’ve got a few stories to relate. Maybe later.

    Comment by Susan M — October 27, 2005 @ 11:44 am

  14. Well, on the topic of snot (funny joke, by the way, Bryce, and I agree that “snot fangs” is quite descriptive), I have a story to share. I just remembered it (I had probably supressed it earlier) because last week at Enrichment we were having a “get-to-know-you” game including sharing embarrassing moments from school. When I was in fifth grade, I had a cold and I had to give a presentation in front of the class. When I got up there, before I started, all of a sudden these snot fangs (see? add to your vocab daily) came out of my nose, like at at least 8″. I did the only thing I could do – I reached up with my hand and caught them. So I’m standing in front of the entire class with snot in my hand. How gross! How embarrassing! I quickly found a tissue and went to clean up and mumbled sorry.

    Comment by Heather P. — October 27, 2005 @ 2:36 pm

  15. Heather- Ok, I’m laughing at that story!

    Comment by Kristen J — October 27, 2005 @ 2:41 pm

  16. A couple months ago I felt a sneeze comming up during the sacrament meeting talks. I bent my head down towards the pew in front of me to reduce the pending disruption. The sneeze came before I was ready and I smacked my forehead into the pew. I saw stars and my wife saw stares (and heard a few chuckles).

    Comment by Daylan — October 27, 2005 @ 10:04 pm

  17. That is a funny story Daylan. I thought about it and chuckled several times today.

    Comment by Geoff J — October 29, 2005 @ 12:08 am

  18. I was in the library when my son got one of those snot screens (that’s not as good as snot fangs, but it’s still pretty good!). No tissues to be found, so I actually used his own shirt to wipe it. I agonized about what a gross mother I was, until I saw another mother nearby do the same thing, only she did it with HER shirt. Yuck. Motherhood is sometimes just so fluid-filled.

    Comment by Heather Oman — October 29, 2005 @ 6:37 pm

  19. Isn’t it though? Much more than I ever imagined in my pre-motherhood days.

    Comment by Kristen J — October 29, 2005 @ 8:12 pm

  20. Snot fangs (mucosa pendulosa) are a rare phenomenon only a fortunate few are blessed with (~1% of european-descended population, other population estimates not available at time of publishing). Out of our 5, only 1 is capable of producing them. Its not just a matter of blasting shotgun boogers out of your nose, genuine snot fangs are long (typically 4-8″, outliers exceeding 12″) viscid strings of booger (must exceed 1″ to qualify for “fang” title) projected from the nostrils upon sneezing. Until our star sneezer produced them, I had never seen them in the wild before, and have frequently used it in an attempt to procure a digital video recorder, albeit unsuccesfully, research funds not being available.

    Comment by Kurt — October 31, 2005 @ 5:30 am

  21. Mucosa pendulosa! That’s almost as good as snot fangs. Of course if you do get it on video you could blackmail that kid into anything for the rest of their lives.

    Comment by Kristen J — October 31, 2005 @ 7:42 am

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