I have recently made a huge discovery. I have figured out the cause of all that is wrong with America today. Are you ready…it’s Costco! Really, let me make my case and I think you will agree with me.
Let’s discuss some of the problems that face the USA. First, we are told day after day that Americans are fat, fatter than they’ve ever been. Second, kindness is in short supply. We hear about road rage and neighbors fighting with each other. Third, there are too many children born out of wedlock. Ok, let’s start with these three reasons. I know there are plenty more but we don’t have that much time. Now let me tell you why Costco is the reason we are dealing with these problems.
I think it’s pretty obvious why Costco is behind America’s fatness. We go to Costco buy our ten pound bag of M&Ms and take them home ready to consume. I’m home I’ve eaten a reasonable sized portion of M&Ms for one person and now I have nine and three quarters pounds of M&Ms left. As a logical person what am I supposed to do, throw the rest away? I don’t think so, I know there are starving children in Africa and it is my duty as a good human being to make sure food does not get wasted. I eat my way through the rest of the bag and pat myself on the back for being such a good girl. Besides, they’re peanut M&Ms with all that protein they’ve got to be good for me, right?
You may not see right off the bat why Costco is the cause behind our cold and uncompassionate hearts. Let me explain my reasoning by sharing an experience that I’ve had at Costco. One day I had to go to Costco for a fifty pound jar of peppercinis and a five gallon vat of mayonnaise. As I was walking up to the store front with a baby on my hip I notice that there is only one cart left with child seats in it. Just at that moment I also notice another woman with a child making a beeline for the same cart. She looks over at me her eyes narrow and her pace quickens. Now my pace quickens, I’m going to get that cart. My arm is pumping, my feet are moving fast, and the baby is squawking but she must learn young that sometimes you must sacrifice for the right cause. I think to myself, I’ve got it, just a few more feet, keep your eye on the prize and just as I get there the other woman slams her child into the cart, whips it around, and flashes her Costco card at the Costco attendant and a smile at me as she disappears into the store. I’m left standing there fist clenched while a few choice words dance around in my head. I have no choice but to grab the nearest flat-bed cart and pray that the baby doesn’t crawl off the edge.
You probably think that my third reason Costco is the cause of all of the problems in America is a bit sketchy and I will admit I had to stretch on this one but here is my theory: After eating a seven pound box of Belgian chocolates, four pints of strawberries, and a number ten can of smoked oysters a person loses their ability to control themselves. The libido goes into over-drive and voila nine months later said person now has an ankle biter in tow.
You don’t have to agree with me on this but there is a Costco mystery that I need help with. Why does Costco always seem to be the geriatric hot spot for every town that I’ve lived in? I have two theories about this one. First with all of their prescriptions it just makes sense, I guess, to buy them in bulk. Second, a lot of the senior citizens of today spent their formative years during the depression and are preparing themselves for a future depression by buying all of the fifty-four ounce jars of spaghetti sauce and Calvin Klein jeans they can and stashing them under their bed.
I am really interested in hearing your reasons behind this and I look forward to reading them but right now I have to go to Costco and buy myself a 72 ounce tin of brown shoe polish. Ciao!