Star Wars: Episode Me

June 21, 2005    By: Kristen J @ 5:57 pm   Category: Life

Darth Vader slept in my bed last night. I, on the other hand did not sleep in my bed last night — not much anyway. Ok, I’ll be honest with you, it wasn’t the real Darth Vader, but I think the version that slept in my bed last night was a little bit scarier than the real one. He would slowly lull you to sleep with the deep “sshhhh, hooo, sshhh, hooo” of his breath and once you were dancing with the sandman, Darth Vader would let loose with a loud “SNORT!” and you’d be up and at ’em. It was a terrorizing strategy that he successfully used throughout the night. My Darth Vader has a much harder time competing with the real Darth Vader in the appearance category though. It’s hard to look scary in shorty batman pajamas, although the glow in the dark bat on his chest does help. If you must know the identity of my Darth Vader I’ll tell, it’s no secret, it’s my 3 year old son.

I am also married to a Jedi Master who makes Yoda look like a preschooler in the ways of the force. You don’t believe me, let me give you a few examples. First, I am convinced that each night before bed he works the force upon the brains of my children. He slowly walks up to their doors and whispers, “You will not wake your father during the night.” quick wave of his right hand. “If you need help of any kind you must first turn to your mother,” quick wave of his right hand. He then quietly and quickly walks away to his night of peace and rest. Now you would think that was plenty but it’s not all! He also wraps himself in some kind of force field that repells children during the night. It works like this, when anyone gets near enough to possibly wake him the force field hurls the child across the bed causing said child to stick to me as if attached by velcro FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT!

I know what your thinking, “Wow, how does this woman get any sleep?” But there’s more, plenty more! I also live with several princesses who feel that I’m there only hope during the night, their only hope for water, a snack, stories, you name it. They know it’s useless to wake the Jedi Master from his unnaturally deep sleep, even if they could the forcefield would hurl them across the room sticking to me for who knows how long. It’s just easier for all of us if they come to me first.

I know there has been an extreme amount of excitement about Star Wars 3 coming out but I really haven’t been able to muster up much enthusiasm for the movie myself. Why bother when I live it every night anyway? Besides, once the lights went out I’d probably fall asleep anway… at least until someone had to go potty.


  1. We must have the same son. Except mine is four.

    Comment by Kim Siever — June 21, 2005 @ 9:53 pm

  2. Great post!

    I went about four full years without one full night’s sleep when my kids were small. You get into this horrid cycle of doing whatever it takes to just make them be quiet so you can SLEEP, please, SLEEP!, and it just makes it worse because you’re reinforcing their habit of getting you up.

    Comment by Susan M — June 22, 2005 @ 7:31 am

  3. I feel for you, I really do. I remember being perennially tired when my kids were little. Actually I still am. My teenager stays up late every night and I wait up, and sometimes she wants to talk. Then she can sleep all day, which is a little better, because I can sleep in sometimes.

    When we have the grandchildren, what a circus. I will wake up on the floor of said teenager’s room, where I’ve gone to hide from Maxwell, my husband is in a twin bed in the other basement room, and tiny Rhiannon, age one, is in our queen size bed. We’ve been kicked in the head many times. It’s so cute, that tiny little body asleep in our big old bed. The power of a child.

    I just love the little ones really. A little nursery girl gave me hug tonight at the church, then took my hand and was ready to leave with me. That is precious. Darth will be a young man and a father before you can blink your eyes. Treasure it.

    But oh, to sleep. I plan to sleep for a thousand years after I die, then spend some time with CS Lewis and Walt Whitman, then be mostly alone in my cabin in the terrestrial kingdom. You’ve all heard about the hot tub and the color TV, good food and unlimited books. If I get to pick heaven, that’s it.

    Comment by annegb — June 22, 2005 @ 8:59 pm

  4. I had to come to this post to figure out who the heck “Darth Vader” was … I was imagining it might be a puppy or a dog. Anyway, my curiosity has been satisfied now. From now on I’ll know who DV is.

    I’m enjoying your posts here. That’s for sure. Funny how once the woman become involved their posts are so much more interesting.

    Comment by danithew — June 23, 2005 @ 1:11 pm

  5. My wife went to girls camp and my own versions of Darth and several storm troopers then decided to join ME obviously when the primary target is gone they attack any of the weaker sites available my Darth is more prone to Spider man and Scooby doo but they too glow mysteriously in the dark. One of the Storm Troopers, A twelve pound siamese takes to biting my toes if left out of the covers, another simply sits on my head until I can no longer breath. I was so glad that my wife came back and I can finally sleep again!!!

    Comment by Casey Blau — June 30, 2005 @ 9:21 am

  6. I had to laugh at that one. My husband is allergic to cats so at least the storm troopers are kept to a minimum around here.

    Comment by Kristen J — June 30, 2005 @ 9:38 am