Comments on: Apologize Early and Often

By: Geoff Johnston

Geoff Johnston — Sun, 08 May 2005 19:34:43 +0000

Hmmm. Good point Blake. Apologies can often be used in lieu of changing (aka repentance). That could make apologizing a bad thing in some cases. But in the example I use in the post, do you think apologies are useful? Having met you I suspect we have some of the same bull in a china shop characteristics. As you know, and as I posted here, that can be a very good thing in life but it often leads to communication errors and offenses. I’m sure you have offended your share of people in your day just like I have. So how do you handle that? When your heart is in the right place but your true and charitable intentions get lost in the delivery… Do you apologize for the communication failure (at least the delivery part)?

I could understand if you didn’t and I think it could be justified. Jesus didn’t go around apologizing for his delivery and he offended most people. But on the other hand, it seems that an apology for miscommunication can help a charitable person keep the dialogue open for future communications. How many chances to help someone would be lost if we burn a bridge with them at first with too much tough love? It seems that the practical end goal of the helping our fellow beings requires mending fences with apologies for offenses given with too much frank talk too early. Don’t you find it useful to sometimes apologize for the pain caused by the delivery even when you would not apologize for the actual message?

By: Blake

Blake — Sun, 08 May 2005 18:05:19 +0000

Too often apologies are mere excusese to do it again. The statement “I am sorry” always makes me want to ask: “A sorry what?” I can ask forgiveness and seek your accepting trust to be open to the possibility that led to the rift or causes pain I won’t do again. I ask for openness to this possibility and simply for the opportunity to show that I am worthy of such trust. I don’t say that I am sorry, because talk is cheap. Let me re-earn your trust. Let me show that I am truly contrite. Never let me seek an excuse by saying, “I am soooo sorry.”

By: Pris

Pris — Fri, 06 May 2005 14:52:04 +0000

Yes, “Pris” is a shortened last name, pronounced with as “Priz.” I use it because most of my friends call me by that anyway–so it provides for semi-, but not complete anonymity. And I get it more often than you might imagine–my given first name, like Kim’s, is also gender-neutral.

By: New Cool Thang » Are you a prophet, seer, and revelator? Well you should be.

Fri, 06 May 2005 03:52:02 +0000

[...] saying. I am calling you and all of us out. (But don’t worry, I mean it all in the best possible way.) I am saying that nothing short of regular and consistent personal revelation would be acceptabl [...]

By: Geoff Johnston

Geoff Johnston — Thu, 05 May 2005 15:50:46 +0000

Ha! Well I feel like a heel. I guess you probably get that as often as Kim on the Web, huh? Thanks for giving us a fine example of my constant need to sincerely apologize. So is Pris short for something else like a last name or a nickname or something? I’ve only known Priscilla’s that went by that name before.

By: Pris

Pris — Thu, 05 May 2005 15:35:32 +0000

Geoff, you’re right with the analysis, but the fact is, despite uni-gender of my moniker, I am male.

By: Geoff Johnston

Geoff Johnston — Wed, 04 May 2005 20:44:57 +0000

This sort of reminds me of the problem with the golden rule as normally stated: “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you”. That leaves a lot of room for incorrect aplication in cases like this I think. What is I want everyone to be brutally honest with me so I then act brutally honest with others? It just doesn’t work. If we ammend the golden rule to say “Do unto others as they want to done unto” it is better. The only problem there is that it is harder to justify tough love (a la Jesus or the prophets crying repentance).

I’m glad I haven’t offended too many of you yet. I think this idea of how to appropriately communicate with each other is interesting. Despite intentions, delivery is often the most important part (even in writing).

Pris: You bring up the excellent point that this is not a gender-specific problem. I think it takes a lot less for a woman to be considered overly frank in our society. I can imagine it wouldn’t take too much to get that sort of label in Relief Society or any other women-only group.

Jeff: The only troubles you and I have faced in exchanges is misunderstanding one another at times. I love the insights you provide so any extra work to understand your point of view is worth it.

Rusty: I’m with you on the deleted comments thing. That saves a lot of headaches. BTW — I already apologized to you and you probably need it less than most people I know anyway…

By: Rusty

Rusty — Wed, 04 May 2005 19:55:49 +0000

Geoff,
I think one of the reasons my comment/reading ratio is so wide is because my first reaction is usually a “bull in a chinashop” response. So I type it out, then I read it over and decide it’s too much, then I try to start over and at that point I’ve run out of time and have to get back to work (or whatever), so I don’t leave a comment at all.

And yes, you need to apologize to me because you offend me.

By: Jeffrey Giliam

Jeffrey Giliam — Wed, 04 May 2005 16:35:54 +0000

That story of you at work sounds a lot like George Costanza if you ask me. (Very good thing in my opinion.)

When it comes to you, I’ve never seen you say anything even bordering on inappropriate. I can tell when I have taxed your patience a bit, and I can tell when you are thinking far worse things than you are probably saying, but all in all I’d say you a good people. In my experience people who are more willing to speculate a bit (you certainly qualify) tend to be less dogmatic.

By: Pris

Pris — Wed, 04 May 2005 15:42:42 +0000

Geoff: I have the same “bull in the china shop” personality. Sometimes I fear it is worse online because I (usually) don’t say something unless I have something to say (and when that happens…).

For what it’s worth, I’ve never thought you’ve been out of line. So, I guess I’d say that it’s not that bad. Frankly, I feel it’s far worse to be a pushover.